It's no surprise I have a kid or two or eight.(hey I like having sex without a condom..) LOL. Seriously, I love kids. I relate to them. They get me and I get them. I obviously tone down the cussing in front of them,but let's get real, they peep COOL, >>Steph is cool<<. Anyway, Im picking up my 11 yr. old from the movies and I get bombarded by 4 girls> " Please can we stay the nite with you? Please can we stay the nite?".. Errr. Let's face it. I'm buzzed, I was hanging out at Chili's drinking, while waiting on the movie to be over. So.. I say.. sure why not? Whatever-ya'll leave me alone, I will leave you alone clean up after yourselves and buzz me only if there's an emergency. We get that out of the way (we pinky promised on it) So- I tell them- "Look, we live in a smaller house, I'm recently separated." You know-the "welcome to the ghetto talk". Well, this little girl, 12 yrs. old, looks at me and says, "May I ask why you two are getting a divorce?" I was like, well when two people just don't get along. and she says," I understand that, but was there something more, like drugs or alcohol involved.. it's ok I understand if you don't want to share that with me."Huh.. Like HUH? Girl, wut?" I just said.. yes.. he had an addiction-and left it alone.. And then we talked about girl things. Like.. Have you ever really liked a boy, and then he ended up asking your best friend out and your best friend said YES! (everyone in the car raised their hands up in the air to that one-including me) So we had a great nite, didn't go to sleep 'til 6 am, woke up at noon, ate donuts, and drank coke. It was great.

Then it was time to take Kim (name has been changed) home.. It was just her and I on the 15 minute ride home. She asked," So what happened to your windshield?". I thought about lying, but I told her, my ex has a temper, and busted it with his hands. I said I had planned on repairing it, but I bought shoes instead. She totally understood that. Then she looked up at me, and asked, "Did he ever hit you, or belittle you, or call you mean names?"  Guys.. this question, totally broke my heart. She's 12. She was speaking to me like she was 21. And the question itself was so deep. Do I be honest? She's 12. What exactly do I say here. She's not my child. I have no idea what she has seen,etc. So without going into detail, I simply said, "Yes." She says, "Violence and drugs don't know faces. It can happen to anyone."  I'm crying inside now. I said.. "honey are you ok?" Then she proceeded to tell me how about her parents, and how she doesnt see anything but she hears. And that they think her mom is on drugs, because she has sores all over her face and arms. You know, at first I thought this little girl was nosy. But now I see she was reaching out to me. She looked up at me and said, "You are one of the coolest people I've ever met, and I would give anything for you to be my mom. I miss my mom. Stephie I knew as soon as I met you, that I could trust you. You're not like the other adults. They would try and take me away from my parents. Thank you for listening."  *sob sob* I responded by giving her my number, (she lives in posh neighborhood, has her own cellphone, etc) and gave her a hug and told her, if she needed to talk, or just needed anything to not hesitate to text or phone me. She stepped out of the car, and said, "I'm really glad you're not judgmental like everyone else." and then walked away. I was heartbroken for her. This poor little girl having to go thru so much bullshit at such a young age.. And then I remembered my own child who is her age, and went thru the same shit. Who did she talk to? She certainly doesn't talk to me.. She tolerates me in the household and that's about it. But mainly, everything this child went through, the pain I heard in her voice when she was asking questions, is exactly how my own child must feel. I immediately went home to my own daughter, hugged her, (got looked at crazy), and told her if there was anything she wanted to talk about it, to please, please! talk to me, Nana, Aunts, etc. She said, "ok. I want to talk about something". Im all like yeah.. sweetie what is it? She proceeds to say," I need a new bedroom set, and I want to paint my room." like okay... ?? Then she says.." I already found what i want. It's only $399." okeeeeyy.. And then I say." well we'll see. But, I was thinking about talking about what's going on between me and your dad and how you feel about it." She says, "Dad's mean and an asshole and you kicked him out for being a jerk. What do I need to talk about it and why would I talk about it with you?" 

Yeah, I'm going to need to invest in some counseling for that one. (but In my opinion, she hit the nail on the head with that synopsis.)

I'm sitting in the dark, I have had zero hours of sleep.. and yet I am inspired to write. Maybe in the darkest coldest hours of the morning, is what inspires me? More than likely.. its the people, who I share my life with every single day. These "people" would be my twitter buds. You know.. i started out. with 20 people i followed.. and crazy as it sounds, the more i tweeted, the more people started to follow and vice versa. I am a people watcher. I love giving and getting encouragement from others, I love making people laugh, and I love making "people's day".

Did you know that if you act crazy you get treated differently? Like you can get away with more stuff because people always use the excuse, well she's crazy, and for a crazy person, thats like you know normal. Like huh? Seriously, I started testing this out at an early age-just to get a feel for "how crazy" I could get before someone with authority considered it "wrong". Let me tell you folks, I can't remember exactly the first "bad thing" I did. I do remember being taught how to drive at 12. My older sister, me, and my cousin were bored and mom said sure take the bomb (old ass car)- she didn't care- I think she liked us out of her hair. Anyway, I was driving (i think) or my cousin was. Anyway she put her foot on the gas and we ran into a tree-a tree with a foot diamater. We totaled the car, and the cops knew my mom, and did absolutely NOTHING. No trouble nada-friggin'amazing. So a short two yrs later, at 14, my Uncle teaches me to drive a stick shift. I am not sure why everyone was in a hurry for me to grow up, but you know, I had no complaints. (I'm thinking they were training me to be Designated Driver, but thats just how I think) Anywho, shortly after I mastered that, I was taking any and every vehicle I could from my grandparents house, my house, whatever keys i could get ahold of.  My parents were gone from 630 am to after 4pm. So I would pretend like I was getting ready for school, grab the extra set of keys, and rolled out straight up pimping.. in my grandparents RV. haha! Damn. I was a bad kid. I mean I got good grades, but I honestly think my parents were tired by the time they got to me. I vaguely remember getting in trouble, but we're talking two weeks grounded? Really? Amateurs. Sheit. I got caught sneaking out the vehicles! But guess what folks, yep, at 14, it was more convenient for my mom to give me full access to her vehicle, so she wouldn't have to take off work for me. (slight hint of issues with the mom there, you picked that up too yeah) Anyway. The reason I bring up crazy is because I was and still am off the chain crazy. I've always acted on impulse, never liked authority, and did what i wanted no matter what. Do I have regrets because of that? Oh of course, damn i wish sometimes i was more obedient and poised and less crazy and while we're at it-less stubborn.(not really but it's what i tell the family, I want them to at least think I have a conscience xoxo)

Believe it or not, this topic, was brought on by the holidays. Everyone treats me with kid gloves. Its kind of awesome actually.. Nothing is expected of me haha. And when I do accomplish something, it gets talked about for years. xoxo.. What's also great about it, is somehow, because I go after whatever I want, without thinking, my family admires me most. They actually wish they had that in them.. Like Really? Yeah, you ask anyone of them they'll say they love me for my love of life and my "spirit".  "Spirit" meaning craziness.

Growing up with two older sisters, who are dwarf size.(one was 4'9" 85 lbs the other 4'10" 95 lbs, I never had a good self image. Now I was not overweight, but because I was always "larger" than them, at 5ft 2, 115lbs,( I mean, i think from age 3, i weighed as much as they did and my boobs outgrew theres when i turned 12). Anyway I would always hear comments from well meaning people like, "WHOA what are you feeding that one", or, "Hey. i see who's eating all the food in your household"-and it wasn't just one or two people, it was everybody. For some reason, those comments stuck with me for a long time. I always felt like the "big one". No matter how much people told me how beautiful i was or pretty, the fat thing stuck in my head. Really people if theres a kid who's a little bigger than the other kids you have, doesn't mean there's something wrong with the big kid, just means there's something wrong with the other ones. (trust me i know this). Now It didn't cause me to have food issues, not really, I just didn't ever learn to love myself..Your twenties are always a hard time anyway as far as "coming into your own" and stuff. Low-self esteem coupled with a bad relationship makes for a really bad combo.I guess like my main reason for sharing this with you-is now that I'm in my thirties, I'm finally able to see just how wonderful I am. Now that I am alone, and not focused on "his issues" I am finally able to get to the bottom of mine. I won't get into all of them-(ha not NOW anyway -I will spare you that for another time fo sho)

Have you ever heard that song Poor Little Rich Girl by Hall n Oates? Well I hadn't either, but I entered in my birthdate and year into one of those websites that tells you what song was #1 when you were born, and thats the one that came up. Anyway-I've never really heard the whole song, but how true to my life could those words be? Like there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, but because of innocent comments by observers, I internally felt sorry for myself, and felt fat, and gross. And I was perfectly normal, I was actuallly short in the "real world!" and attractive. Like wut? I had that poor little fat girl mentality for nothing! Damn all the cute clothes I could have worn had I realized that i was not fat, but curvy, with a rockin' bod. Now of course I don't weigh 115 anymore. I am at 135-138 give or take (depending on the day). I never have had the attention that i get now by other people, because I didn't have the confidence for it. Now I have the confidence and don't know what to do with all the attention.. (I'm learning real quick).

I have someone in my life, who loves me exactly as I should, and exactly as I deserve to be loved. I was told, "You deserve so much more than ANY MAN could EVER give you! I am privileged you touch my life!" That's a huge statement.

My name is Stephanie, and i deserve all the happiness that life has to offer and I am embracing it and loving every minute of it.(whether I'm skinny/thick/fat/curvy)

xoxo

Let me tell you a little diddy, about me.  As the story goes, I was sitting in the front seat, no wait I was standing. My dog, Fearless, was on the outside closest to the door. Apparently my dad, two sisters, and I were heading to a party, or a circus,(whichever one it was, I was told that I "ruined the fun plans"), anywho. As my dad was turning a corner, going about 35 mph, give or take, the door flies open, and I fall out of the vehicle. Now, according to "eye witnesses" , (and we all know how reliable THEY are), according to the people, (a drunk 28 yr old dad, im sure, and a 9 and 8 yr old mind you) when i fell I landed on the dog, and she "softened the fall". I am not so sure about this, but I appreciate them letting the dog be the hero. I've heard this story several times over the years, as its the excuse for my absentmindedness, my airheadedness, and my lack of common sense, oh and its also the reason I lose my keys so much. Ok.. yeah back to the "accident of 1981", so, after falling out of the vehicle, and my dad being convinced that my dog saved me, he takes me to my MOM'S work!!!!!!! .. OMG! Yeah, he so did that. He's asking my mom, should I take her to the hospital? (lesson to dad's, layoff the booze!) My mom, thank goodness, leaves work immediately, and she rushes me to hospital. Now, this hospital they took me to was more of a "minor emergency" type care. My mom knew a nurse there, ehh, actually I'm not sure why that's relevant to the story other than I think mom found out some more small town gossip.Ok moving on, so, that hospital took me by ambulance to Austin.  I had a concussion, and was in intensive care for a bit, but after 3-5 days, i came out of my "coma". I believe they induced a coma for the swelling to go down? I dont know I was three, and actually, truth be told I have no recollection of these events. But I did find out that show Sesame Street was on, and I looked at the TV and said Cookie Monster, (which i have always had a fondness for cookies, so that part I believe)and abracadabra I was out of the coma.

Very scary and disturbing story. I believe my dad shortly after this, left the home and immediately started a new family (yeah no hard feelings. #asshole) Now I bring this up, because just last weekend, my dad was retelling this story (his 2nd time ever).  And for some reason there was lots of laughter about it. Like. HUH? (Yeah. i have daddy issues.)  It was like, I was being Roasted. Yeah.. that's why to this day Steph "insert joke here".  What's really funny is I heard the story from mom, and she said dad was scared to death, and cried like she's never seen him cry before, and had so much guilt, that I never got a spanking from him like ever. So as he was laughing all I could think as I was laughing too, was dad you're such a pussy.

You ever hear that saying, the ones who laugh the most, are the ones crying most in the inside. I guess, I, like my dad, (cough cough barf barf) yeah I said it. Anyway, some people deal with tragic events in different ways and being able to laugh about it, is one way of dealing with it. Now when people ask my dad, what is wrong with your youngest child? I understand when he says, "she had a brain injury as a child, the girl just ain't right."  WORD.

I appreciate funny people who can laugh at themselves. So, naturally, I am in love with you. Not necessarily in love with you, but in love with the person you are. To some this may not make sense, to the person this is about, you know exactly what I mean.

Now, I am not a fanatic in any sense of the word. I like people, celebrities, etc, but never would go out of my way, just to get a glimpse of one.I cant be bothered, ya know? But you, omg. I see you on my twitter timeline and i have to fight with myself not to over tweet @'s at you. Or you respond to something I say on facebook, and I get so damn excited it annoys the crap out of me.  Why is it annoying, you may ask? I hate that you can affect me the way you do. Like hello.." the whole world revolves around me". I've tried to analyze this, over and over again. And the only thing I can think of, is that  you remind me of myself. Exhibit A) you are a dork-so am I.  Exhibit B) you started chatting with me, and I swear I thought you were making fun of the way I spoke (you informed me you were not) and after getting to know you, I realised you actually SAY "that word" like more times than I do. Exhibit C) you appreciate my 80's movie references. Exhibit D) I'm Batman. Yeah just had to throw that last one in there.

I guess it's just amazing to me, to be the fan; to be on the other side of the fence so to speak. How just in general one comment you make to someone else or @ someone else can truly brighten their day. Like OMG! He said hi. omg omg omg..Trust me i know the feeling all too well, sadly, one @ from you, or one comment from you, can make me happy for the week. Am i professing my love to you? I don't think so at all.This is just my way of saying, how much I appreciate you and how much I truly adore you.

You know, I have the same effect on people, that you have on me. And its not love in the "omg im so in love with you sense".. Its more like omg.. I really really like you! A true twitter crush. I want to surround myself with people like "us" heh heh. And just so you won't be weirded out.You are not my only twitter crush you know. There are alot of talented, cute, funny people on twitter who are amazing, and i like them almost as much as i like you. I have even found a true emotional love connection on twitter. Hey- it can happen. I fell in love with you didn't I?

Yeah. so. I am drinking tonite, vodka and redbull.. my favorite drink of the nite.. what am i going to share with you?  ehh. i have no idea.. just sit back and enjoy.

Guess what folks, im going thru a separation/divorce and it sucks. It sucks because after many many years, the Ex is finally wanting to be the man i want him to be. well wouldnt ya know.. i have moved on and cringe at the thought of being with him.. I remember what its like.. And UGH! Like i visit him now, and the first things out of his mouth are, "when i get back to the house, this you being on twitter, and fb, and texting isnt happening-and that goes for the kids too.." huh. dude. you are already out of the house, saying that, aint gettin you any closer "inside the home" FTW... yeah pretty much the old man doesnt get me at all.  i married young.. i was 21. I loved hard. I didnt mind staying home, i enjoyed it, as long as i had stability. Ive always yearned for that. And strived hard for it. And I lived my last 15 years, dedicated to my husband, family and such.. and lost who i was in the process. Eventually i realised I was  the one giving, giving up , and sacrificing more than i was getting, and im not sure how to explain it, but i woke up. And of course.. HA wouldnt you know, when i "woke up" My ex realises he wants to change.. and at this point hes doing good. But I have since moved on.. Theres a whole world out there.. i dont have to be stuck in a bubble.. Like im surprised people like me? Seriously.. Ive always heard my whole life "she's pretty, or she's beautiful" and that sounds so.  bitchy or whatever, but you can be told that all of your life, but unless you actually feel it, it means nothing. And now that I've stepped away from the relationship.. I can see that I am funny, I am pretty , I am a pretty good person, inside and out.. and when people give me compliments, I can see that its genuine.. Yeah some give compliments im sure to ":get in my pants" but some people genuinely just like me, and expect nothing from me in return.. What an amazing feeling to just be liked or loved for being nothing less than yourself. 

When i try to think about or put into words just who I am, i instantly think of that song by Meridith Brooks, I'm a Bitch. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that song was written for me. I love love, I love romance and cheezy girl movies. I'm a dork with a cute face and happy go lucky attitude. I love people, I love to learn from people and can connect on an emotional level with them quite easily. This can be good and bad (more on that later).  I am recently separated from a 15 yr long bad relationship, of course not all bad, there was some good times (such a cliche), but it's true. At this point in my life, I am in my thirties, and have just realised that you only live once. I don't want to be told what to do, what's socially acceptable, etc. I just want to be me. Truth be told, I'm learning new stuff everyday. One fact that has been with me since I was about 4 or 5, is  I really really like the boys ;). I have known this for a long time- I think I was in Kindergarden with my first crush on a teenager. Instead of fighting this ability to fall for and have crushes on the boys, at this point in my life I am going to embrace it ;). Look Out!

Through twitter, I have met some amazing people that have inspired me in more ways than they will ever know.  I am not sure where I am going with this blog, but I hope you stay tuned. I think I am pretty fn interesting.